He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
