The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
