What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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