Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I will pee on everything he values.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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