Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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