Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
