apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
