Ambien. No doubt about it.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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