Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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