Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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