About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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