i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
