everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
