i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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