You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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