When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize