My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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