Need sex. Gaining weight.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
