Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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