Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
