i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize