Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
