I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
