I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
how does that bad decision feel?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
