Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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