I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
