He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
