So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
