Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
