I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My liver just broke up with me...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
