it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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