he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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