Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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