U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We talked him into tasing himself.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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