everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
