Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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