i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Randomize
