Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
