my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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