oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
