I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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