I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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