Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
