Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
