onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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