By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize