The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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