I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
