My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
