Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
