Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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