I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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