i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Randomize
