atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
