if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
