I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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