his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
